Springy-dings for the beast lady

We live with a smokey beast lady of pint-sized proportions and whiskers of death.

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Said beast lady must be kept occupied at all times or ankles are bitten, sleep is disturbed and dogs are assaulted. Sometimes trickling water faucets or a fresh can of wet food will successfully occupy the beast lady. Sometimes not. And rarely for long.

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Springy-dings save lives

In a last ditch effort to save my life and the lives of others in this household whom I love, I spent a couple bucks from the money I was saving to buy us all body armor and face masks, and ordered a couple packs of springy-dings. Also known as “colorful springs.”

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These little coils of plastic perfection are like manna from heaven when all you want to do is get a little sleep, and all your kitten wants to do is rip your throat out, spill water on your book and smother your sleeping dog like those creepy facehuggers in Alien.

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If one day I found out that these little springy-dings were made in a sweat shop by child laborers using radioactive plastic, I would still keep buying them. In fact, I’d probably buy even more for fear of that sweat shop one day being closed down. Springy-dings save lives.

Beast lady bats, chases and carries her little springy-dings all over the house like fresh kills. We find them in our bed, on the couch, under the couch, inside shoes, down heat registers, in the dogs’ water bowls, under the washing machine and in the bathroom. Sometimes beast lady leaves her springy-dings in her food bowl, incase she’s hungry for more later.

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Springy-dings come in four snazzy colors. Although beast lady seems to be partial to the green and yellow ones. I’ll have to do some research on cats and color vision. Although none of them are the color of blood and entrails, so I assume her preference is mere coincidence.

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Beast lady also loves to play fetch with her springy-dings. And I do mean fetch. Like dogs play fetch. At night, usually when we’re trying to relax and watch some tv or just settling into bed, the beast lady brings us her chosen springy-ding and threatens to brutalize a dog or gnaw off one of our toes if we don’t meet her springy-ding demands.

We’re sure there are many folks out there who are thinking, “Oh come now, it’s just a little cat. A fuzzy little kitty baby who would be just as content to sip milk from a tiny little saucer or play with some yarn. Why don’t you try petting her a little and showing her some love?” But this is what the beast lady wants you to think. She’s counting on it.

And then just as you lay your head down on that pillow at night, in the dark, surrounded by four large canines, theoretically capable of protecting you from any and all bodily harm, . . . the beast lady strikes.

Unless you have some springy-dings.

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About emily douglas

Emily Douglas authors The Unexamined Dog blog and writes regularly about "pit bull" advocacy, humane education and the parallels between the education field and the dog world. Emily and her dog, Peaches volunteer as a registered therapy dog team in the Southeast Michigan area, where their visits are affectionately known as Peach Therapy.
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4 Responses to Springy-dings for the beast lady

  1. Karen Peer says:

    I love your blog your writing is brilliant! I am laughing out loud as I am reading this. I think you should change your career yet again. I am thinking Children’s books starring your cast of crazies and Pickles who has clearly taken over as head of the household. Yes and the background music from tv is perfect for the little monster fetching the springy dings!! The dogs look dumbfounded!

  2. dapplegrey says:

    Ours has recently become the home of choice for an elder feline lady working her way through the stages of grief after her lifelong companion died at Christmas; things are obviously improving as she’s now making frenzied attacks on a ball of screwed up paper and thundering after it in hot pursuit. At the age of 93 in human equivalent years, would you say she’s up for springy-dings?

  3. missycaulk says:

    Hilarious and I’m buying some ASAP

  4. That’s hilarious! I think even your dog seemed perplexed at what was going on – a cat doing a dog thing! She is a really gorgeous kitty! Even if she is a bit beastly. 😉

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